


kisses back.

by rxtrogression



Series: Boston [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, M/M, Oh look, all against the ever romantic backdrop of boston MA, but i like making my faves suffer, it's a relationship falling apart, look.. i actually love eren okay, there's actually a LOT of angst wow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxtrogression/pseuds/rxtrogression
Summary: There’s a certain breaking point in every relationship, Eren mused. Some reach it. Some don’t. His did, and that was that.Alternatively: the one where they realize that not every ending is a happy one.





	kisses back.

**Author's Note:**

> if i get geography wrong, it's because i haven't been to Boston in about two years and forget a lot. shh. let's pretend this is a huge bubble, where life is almost the same, but there's seating in quincy market, and boston chowda co. doesn't have huge ass lines.
> 
> for some reason my html link inserts aren't working (ugh) so you'll have to deal with copy&pasting for now.
> 
> story heavily inspired by the acoustic version of [Kisses Back](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnTvJlQpRY0) by Matthew Koma.
> 
> shoutout to [charlie](https://eilrachi.tumblr.com) for proofreading! i love her so much. you should check her out!
> 
>  

_Give me the ‘hello’s and ‘goodbye’s_  
  
_Pack up every morning and goodnight_  
  
_I want the sunrises and moons_  
  
_I’m taking all my kisses back from you._

 

* * *

 

In another world, Levi would walk through the front door to their house the day after. He would greet Eren with a kiss. They would both apologize, and maybe life would be okay. 

Eren wished that he could be in that other world with every fibre of his being. 

Inhale. 

Exhale.

It was getting harder to breathe, not because his face was smothered in his hands, but because a devastating emptiness clawed at his airway and raised goosebumps all over his body. Levi’s lack of presence was like a ragged gash on his side, a bullet wound at his nape, all the other stupid phrases that could possibly convey how disgustingly lonely he felt.

There’s a certain breaking point in every relationship, Eren mused. Some reach it. Some don’t. His did, and that was that. Closing his eyes, he wondered why it was called a “point”. He and Levi had let problems snowball until a day ago, when the latter packed a duffel bag and left Eren with an oven billowing smoke, an incessant background beeping from their alarm, and the bitter taste of a broken heart in his mouth. He supposed he had it coming; after all, there was only so many times one could fuck up and get away with it.   
  
Silently, fat tears spilled, hot and salty and ticklish against the side of his nose, where it mixed with the unending snot that streamed like a river when he cried. He pulled his hands away from his face, appalled. Straightened up where he sat. His bleary eyes took in his surroundings, letting a deep ache flood his bones and exhaust him to the core.   
  
From the box in his lap, he grabbed a tissue to dry his face. The soft fabric scratched painfully against his skin.   
  
The coffee table he and Levi had picked two years ago sat before him; Its polished mahogany wood shone dully in comparison to the glass surface it surrounded, which gleamed brightly under the potlights lining their ceiling. The dark wood floors swallowed him whole, and suddenly, the house was too big. Too cold.   
  
Funny. They bought the house because of its coziness and character.   
  
Fuck, they did everything to make this house  _ theirs _ , including a renovation, and now the walls were suffocating, despite the main floor’s open concept design. After running a hand through his greasy hair for the nth time, Eren stood up from their plush sofa.   
  
(They used to cuddle on the sofa a lot.)   
  
(Eren doesn’t think the ghost of Levi’s thin fingers buried in his hair while they lazily kissed their problems away on it will ever leave.)   
  
Their TV felt too big. There was too much space between his feet and the rug and the built-in fireplace and the shelves on either side. Too much space between the back of the couch and the kitchen island and the Steinway and the front door and--  _ god _ , Eren felt smaller than he’s ever felt in the short 26 years spent on Earth.    
  
Perhaps this was how Levi felt during their marriage. A fifteen meter egotistical giant playing house with an old man. 

 It’s funny how things change overtime.   
  
Limply, Eren dropped his arms by his side, his gaze unseeing. Almost robotically, he trudged upstairs and collapsed into bed. Sleep came in fitful bouts.  
  
He wished the darkness would hurry up and numb his insides.

* * *

 

_You crawl on your begging knees._  
  
_“Oh, don’t hate me, don’t hate me…_  
_  
...Please.”_

 

* * *

 

Two weeks had passed, and Levi hadn’t looked back. Much. He was staying with Petra and Auruo until he could find a flat of his own. At 34, it was a little pathetic to live off the charity of his friends, in his opinion, especially when he was married and had legal possession of a gorgeous house in Massachusetts. But he’d be damned if he had to go back and live with his husband again. Once he had a place of his own again, he’d wait for his and Eren’s next paycheck, then divorce. That was that.

  
“Levi,” a soft voice caught his attention, and Levi looked up at Petra. Frowning slightly, the younger woman sighed, and sat next to Levi on the couch. “Are you alright? You look like you’re going to cry.”  
  
Was he alright? Inquisitive amber eyes peered at his stoic countenance. He wanted to say yes. Wanted to, more than anything, brush the past four years of his life off as nothing but a faded memory. The words stuck in his throat, and shit, Levi really _was_ on the verge of tears. Blinking rapidly, he managed to cough out a broken ‘no’ before staring at his feet. The sound felt sour on his tongue.  
  
Petra’s features softened. “It’s okay to feel sad, you know,” she gave him a weak smile. “It means you care. That counts for something.” Levi felt a delicate pat on his left shoulder.  
  
When Auruo opened the door to their flat two weeks ago, he didn’t ask questions. Just opened the door wider, stepped aside, gestured to his couch, and took the duffel bag off Levi’s hands. He and Petra were concerned, but they treated Levi as always. They were dependable like that. Levi missed the predictability of his life before Eren.  
  
Then again, that’s what drew him to the brat in the first place: his unpredictability, his youth, his smile, his burning love, his comfort, the sex, the snuggles, the kisses in front of their fireplace while the vinyl played, and dear lord he still loved him so much.  
  
“I know.” It was a struggle to keep his voice steady, so Levi fell silent. Petra gave him another small pat, then stood to head to the kitchen.  
  
Turning her head, she called over her shoulder. “You hungry?” Levi hummed a no, watching Petra shrug and start pulling out ingredients to make dinner. He checked his phone, a whopping zero notifications greeting him while he checked the time. 6:28 PM.  
  
Now was as good a time as any. “Petra,” he waited for her to acknowledge him before continuing. “I’m going to go back home and pick up a few things.” He stood, grabbing his wallet and coat and pocketing his phone. It was May; the weather was still biting. Without waiting for her reply, he swept out the door.  
  
_Home._  
  
What an absurd concept, the idea that a detached, 2 story building was considered his “home”. Home was where he wanted it to be, and as such, he had no home here. Not now, anyway.  
  
(Home was four years ago, when he and Eren held hands as they strolled down Newbury Street in the crisp October weather on their third date, window shopping, completely and utterly enamoured with one another.)  
  
(Home was three years ago, when they celebrated their engagement and Levi’s PhD at Minado Restaurant in Natick with friends, later splurging on bubble tea and frozen yoghurt in the mall across the street.)  
  
(Home was two years ago, when they fed each other clam chowder from Boston Chowda Co., giggling beneath the domed roof in Faneuil Hall Marketplace because it was messy and they had just bought a fucking house together and renovations were starting the week after and-  
  
_And._  
  
Levi remembers that day with stunning clarity.)  
  
He reached the door, his keys sliding smoothly into the lock, before bracing himself and turning the handle. The alarm beeped when he closed the door, a familiar sound to Levi’s ears. Judging by the way the lights on the main floor were on and Eren’s shoes were by the closet, it was obvious he wasn’t alone. The house looked very much the same as he had left it, if not a little more morose. His belongings seemed untouched, but everything was still clean, at least.  
  
Good.  
  
“L..Levi..?”  
  
Levi sighed and faced his husband, fighting to keep his expression neutral. “Eren.” Nodded curtly. Slipped off his shoes, pushed past Eren on his right, made his way up the dark wood stairs and turned left down the familiar hall. Opened the door to the master bedroom. Packed everything methodically, as if he were preparing for a conference elsewhere. Soft footsteps alerted him to Eren leaning against the doorframe. In his hands were large frames, and though the shine of the hallway light made it impossible to see the contents, the frames themselves immediately clued Levi in.  
  
“I,” Eren cleared his throat, shifting his weight awkwardly on his feet. “I know you don’t trust movers with important things, so it’s probably best if you take these now.” Wordlessly, Levi moved towards Eren and reached out, delicately handling his certificates, fingertips brushing against Eren’s as he took the stack. His undergraduate diploma. His med school diploma. His PhD certificate. Levi’s head snapped up, only to stare at the brunette with his jaw gaping open slightly.  
  
“I’m sorry,” it was a whisper from Eren, a puff of air that barely reached Levi’s ears. How many times had he heard that in the past?  
  
( _“Levi, come back to bed… I’m sorry about this morning.”_ Eren burned their breakfast.

_“I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you later, hey? Levi?”_ Eren missed their anniversary dinner.

_“Well, I’m sor-fucking-ry for bothering to see how you are. What the fuck, Levi. Cut me some fucking slack. I’m trying.”_ Eren fumed at Levi after the older man had taken his bad work day out on his husband.

_“Baby, I’m sorry.. I’m so fucking sorry, please. I didn't mean it. Please. I love you. Please.”_ Two weeks ago. The smoke alarm went off, making Eren jump up from his seat at the kitchen island and rush to the oven behind Levi. Glaring, Levi stayed on his chair, contemplating his next move. He could turn around. Help Eren. Kiss the back of his neck, comfort him, let it all blow over and shove their issues under the proverbial carpet again.

But he was so, so tired of the same shit happening. It was a vicious cycle, and fuck it, Levi was _done_. He hopped off the kitchen island stool and stormed upstairs, stuffing his gym duffel bag with toiletries and enough clothes to last him a week. He went downstairs again, grabbed his keys from the hook by the front door, and slammed it shut.

From his periphery, he spotted a miserable Eren, watching him from behind marble countertops as he walked out.) 

Though he was shorter than Eren, it felt as if he was staring down his nose at the boy while he pursed his lips. After a moment that seemed to stretch on forever, Levi released the breath he’d been holding.  
  
“Yeah, me too.”  
  
The words vibrated through the room, an unsettling buzzing feeling that made his fingers twitch. With no response from Eren, Levi moved around to finish packing and get his legal documents. Eren stayed put, seemingly lost in thought. Levi zipped up his luggage, did a turn to make sure he didn’t forget anything else immediately important, then made his way to the door, where Eren didn’t meet his eyes.  
  
A cold hand shakily wrapped itself around his wrist as he stepped out of the room, instead.

“Do you hate me?”  
  
Eren’s lips barely moved as he spoke, and his eyes didn’t stray from their fixed gaze on the floor.  
  
Levi froze, more memories dancing before his eyes.  
  
_“God, you’re insufferable.”_  
  
_“Tch, don’t be such a meanie, Rivaille!”_  
  
_“Fucker, get back here!”_  
  
_Levi grabbed Eren’s naked hips as the latter tried to wiggle and escape, pulling him closer and flipping them so that he could pin him down on the queen sized bed. With a triumphant smile, Levi tickled the brunette’s sides until the room was filled with gasping laughter and pleads to stop._  
  
_Satisfied, he paused in his tickling, letting the younger boy catch his breath._  
  
_“I hate you,” Levi announced._  
  
_With a breathless giggle, Eren tangled his hands in the silky locks of Levi’s hair and pulled him down for a chaste kiss._  
  
_“No, you don’t.” He beamed at the man above him, murmuring through the kiss._  
  
_“No, I don’t.”_  
  
“Don’t ask stupid questions you already know the answer to,” he growled, and didn’t look back as he pulled his arm out of Eren’s grasp. Walked calmly down the stairs. Shut the front door behind him.

The alarm beeped, filling the silence.  
_  
_

* * *

  
_You want me to forgive, forget you,_  
  
_As easy as these lips impress you_  
  
_And undress what you said was mine._  
  
_No more lying;_  
  
_I want my kisses back from you._

* * *

  
When Levi returned to Petra and Auruo’s flat, he plopped down on their couch and unpacked the certificates, still within their frames. He had met Eren a year into his PhD at Erwin’s lab. The kid worked as a part time research technician for Pixis’ lab a floor up, and he had come down to Levi’s floor to use one of the imaging machines. From their first conversation, Levi learned that Eren had just graduated from Harvard College and was taking a year to work. That Eren was living with two friends a T ride away from Harvard Square. That he did campus tours during the summer months.  
  
Levi was smitten with the boy, even though he was 8 years older and the age gap was probably more than questionable.  
  
Before he could stop himself, he plunged into the memories of their early days.  
  
Their impromptu first date. The giddy feeling that started somewhere near his heart and tingled through the rest of his body as they made their way to the Coop, where they paid for overpriced sandwiches and sat at the small brown tables for hours _._  
  
("Y'know what gets people every time? The Hoar House joke."  
  
Levi snorted in amusement. "What a dashing campus tour guide," he drawled.  
  
"Fuck you, I'm charming!" Eren laughed freely, one hand waving a bottle of apple juice around.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, you are." Levi's dopey smile was mirrored on Eren, and fuck if he wasn't head over heels for this brat already.)  
  
Their first kiss. In a nearly empty train car, riding the green line to Levi’s home, one hand cupping Eren’s jaw and the other clutching his Charlie Card. Their teeth knocked when the train jolted, and they spent the rest of the ride laughing, Eren’s face buried in the crook of Levi’s neck, hot with embarrassment. Later that night, hot and flushed for a completely different reason.  
  
And no, he didn’t need to go there, his chest was constricting enough already, did he want to cry?  
  
(The first time they exchanged "I love you"s. Half a year after they started dating. They were cuddling and lazily making out on a rainy Saturday morning in bed. Eren was a full body blusher, and he was the most adorable human Levi had ever laid his eyes on. "I love you" was whispered in reverence against each other's lips. It was mouthed languidly across skin. "I love you" was a mantra repeated endlessly, right up until the day Levi left.)  
  
(Their wedding. Neither of them were very religious, but Eren had wanted a small gathering in a beautiful old church. Levi couldn't say no.  
  
White and gold and forest green decorated the halls. They had a fairly decent sized attendance, and it was _perfect._  
  
Their wedding album was currently buried underneath useless shit in the bottom drawer of their right nightstand. Levi wishes they could go back to when they were happy being together, instead of enduring the pain of their love falling apart at the seams.  
  
Or maybe they just didn't know how to express their love anymore. Maybe Levi lost the ability to be compromising with Eren. Maybe Eren was tired of keeping his hotheadedness down around Levi. Maybe they didn't know how to have a conversation without having an argument anymore.  
  
Maybe... maybe they just didn't love each other as much.  
  
That thought hurt Levi more than he thought it would have.)  
  
A gentle hand dabbing a tissue beneath his eyes told him he was already crying, the tears slipping out and blurring his vision. The vague outline of Petra was almost silhouetted against the light in the kitchen behind her, and shit, how long had Levi been sitting there?  
  
“Levi?” Her voice was a soft murmur, not unlike Eren’s on Sunday mornings. Or after their explosive arguments.  
  
“Mm.” Slowly, he became aware of how much he hurt all over. The past two weeks had been spent in a numb limbo, Levi drifting through medical cases and clinical duties. Eren was probably studying for finals… did he need help? Some of Levi’s textbooks were at his office, but he was sure he still had a few at home… God, he missed their bed. Going back had been a mistake.  
  
He was oblivious to Petra rubbing his scalp, shushing his pained gasps for air, the shameless tears sliding down his face and dripping onto the fabric of his slacks. In the haze of his exhaustion, Levi was vaguely aware of being laid down on the couch, his belongings placed gently on the floor.  
  
“I wish I could take my kisses back from him,” he closed his eyes, hugging his arms around his body. If Petra was confused, she didn’t show it, opting instead to run her hand through his hair once more, pulling a comforter over him before she retired to her room with Auruo.  
  
Sleep crashed over Levi like a wave upon the beach, and he fell through the cracks of his broken heart into the dream-like world of Faneuil Hall Marketplace, holding hands with Eren all the way.

**Author's Note:**

> "so avery, what do you do in your spare time?"
> 
> "oh, y'know, project my own insecurities, dreams, and life experiences on fictional characters. why?"
> 
> -
> 
> hehe. please excuse all the mistakes! ugh. proofreading is a bitch.
> 
> if you'd like, you can find my tumblr [here!](https://xxretrograde.tumblr.com)  
> talk to me! i don't bite.


End file.
